Update on myJourney

     So, it's been a little bit since I have written about my journey. Life truly is an amazing thing. So full of challenges and gifts. I have continued to work with my therapist/life coach and learn amazing things about myself as well as great skills. I recently had a relapse; not in my sobriety, but in my mental health. Life became very overwhelming and I let depression grab hold of me so tightly that in a matter of 5 days, I was in the darkest possible place. It's a place I have managed to avoid for a very long time now and I really let myself down by ending up there. Thanks to the work I have done I was able to come out of the darkness in 10 days! They were ten of the scariest days and almost took me from those I love but thankfully didn't! I spent some time in the hospital and was very sick. It was quite the scare!

     I'm back to happy and back on track!!! I don't feel bad about how I felt during those 10 days.....I own those feelings.... but I do feel bad about not immediately using the skills I have worked so hard to gain. I let my thoughts run the wrong way and I got so caught up in them that I couldn't turn them around. I also learned from this experience that I may be too dependent on my therapist and not enough on myself to get through the hardest of times, something I will now have to work on. I'm not going to beat myself up for this but use it as a learning experience. I'm not perfect, no one is and I'm still learning a lot about myself and about how to maintain my happiness on my own. I regret hurting my loved ones during those ten days and I only hope that they can understand.

     It's hard enough to be the mother of six but to have two children with serious illnesses is very challenging. There are so many doctor's appointments, phone calls, emails, medications and that's not even touching the emotional aspect of it. On top of it, having another child away for a long period of time and having to really help take care of his child. I didn't think at 46 that I would be half raising my grandson. There are daily challenges but also daily blessings. I don't look for anyone to feel bad for me just to understand the challenges I face. My happiness takes a wee bit more work sometimes. I wonder all too often why I'm not a stronger person and why I can't just handle everything that life throws at me........I'm human though, I'm allowed to have bad days.

     So, I'm putting this behind me and moving forward! Plans? Getting through the holidays will be my first hurdle as they are always a bit of a challenge for me!!! I'm also planning on going back to school and looking into my future and what I want to do with the rest of my life. It's kind of exciting to think about! After Thanksgiving I will be getting back to my gym routine and keeping my body in shape and in good health! I like looking good and feeling good. I'm also excited to be starting some home projects! I'm going to be laying new carpet in my bedroom and I'm pretty excited about that. I'm also redoing Julia's old room and turning it into a big guest/tv/reading suite! It should be pretty fun to work on. I love DIY home improvement projects!!!

     I know with the support of my loved ones next to me, I can face anything and be happy and do great things! It's possible......................

    

It's Been A While

This is a message that I have been working very hard on. I haven't written in quite awhile as life has been a challenge! My girls have been pretty sick and my time has been spent visiting doctors, emailing doctors, calling doctors, receiving medical equiptment and the list goes on. I also am trying to maintain a household, care for two other healthy children and a grandson while his father is away and his mother is working feverishly to provide. I am stretched very thin and am finding that there is little time for myself but I'm making the most of the time I do find! I hit the gym when I can, attend my life coach sessions and I made an appointment with a counselor to see about going back to school and finishing my degree! I'm just taking baby steps with it but steps none the less. I'm already a medical assistant but want to do so much more with my life and I have a ton of credit hours. Now I just need to figure out what it is I really want to do and go for it !!! I'm hoping that this counselor will be able to point me in the right direction. I feel that my life needs to be about more than just being a mom, although that is a huge and important job. Sometimes I just get so lost in it and I forget who I am. I want to help others and I think that with all the knowledge I have regarding my daughter's illnesses, I can do that !

I have been questioning my parenting a lot lately and I need to stop doing that ! I need to just love my children and trust in that. Trust that I am doing the best I can with the tools I have and that I'm not perfect as no parent is. We all make mistakes and the best thing I can do is apologize when it happens! I have compassionate, loving, smart, giving children and I need to remember that they too are going to make mistakes and that's okay as long as they learn from them !

Children should come with manuals; especially the sick ones!

     So, I thought I was going to send the kids off to school and then hit the gym for a couple hours and head home to clean and then maybe read for awhile. Nope! My little one is home sick so I had to re focus my self and plan my day a little differently. I cleaned first and have spent most of the morning on the phone with doctors and her therapist and her school. What a challenge she is. I wish I had an owner's manual with this one!!! I am guessing a lot and hoping that I am making good choices.
     Tomorrow she is having a chest CT to look further at the nodules on her lungs and see if there is any relation to her intense and constant stomach pain. She's not happy about it because she has to get an IV but she'll be fine, she's a trooper! She always makes me proud. After all, she's been dealing with this stuff her whole life. Poor girl. I just got word that I have a 9:30 am meeting tomorrow with the school nurse, social worker and principal to come up with a plan to get her through the school year.
     It is very difficult as a parent to have a child or in my case, two children, with chronic illnesses. No one can tell you how to get through it. You just have to find your own way and sometimes that can be very challenging!!! I would love to help other parents navigate their way through the school systems, medical systems and even the legal systems as I have gained a lot of knowledge over the last ten years !!! I feel great when I can help others, even if it is something simple or small. My school district has never had a child with my daughter's diseases so I am doing a lot of educating and advocating!
     It's definitely made easier with a positive attitude and some confidence! I know that I am the authority on my children and I don't let others push me around when it comes to them. I will go to the ends of the earth for them, no matter what! They are my life. Please send some positive energy this way for my little girl !!! Peace and Love, Diane Marie

 

Big Dreams, Scared stiff, it's all wonderfully normal !

     I had a truly fantastic session today with my therapist/life coach! I walked out feeling like I had the most organized tool box and the most confident self! She has a way of validating what's already in my heart and head and I just feel so good about myself when I leave. I've worked so hard for so long and I just feel like I'm a great "me"! The exciting part is that I know it's going to get even better !!! I have these goals and dreams and plans and I'm starting to write out how I am going to make them happen. I look at my ideas and I get so school girl giddy, sometimes I just can't stop smiling as I sit at my desk. It's such a rush! Better than any other kind of high !!! I love being able to be ME and show people who that is! I'm silly and I don't care much what other's think of me. I love dressing up in all different sorts of outfits and I have so much fun with it! I'm smart and I crave knowledge. Learning is power! I have a huge heart and care very much for people, too much sometimes. I love to laugh and to be silly but I also have a very serious side. I love to read and only wish I had more time to do it! I enjoy gardening so much as well as being what I call "the queen of organization".

     The scared stiff part? My baby girl. My youngest. I got her test results back from her CAT scan and it showed significant nodules at the base of her lung. The radiologist and pediatrician both agreed that further testing needs to happen. What could it be? Is this what is causing the months of stomach pain? She's at the point now where she doesn't even really want to eat much any more. I'm very scared for her. I feel helpless and I can see that she is suffering. Her doctor is supposed to be calling me today to discuss how we are proceeding. I tried to gently explain this to my daughter and prepare her for more testing and doctor's appointments. She is having a hard time processing all that is happening to her; with the diagnosis of POTS/Dysautonomia and now this. Her anxiety is through the roof and she wants to be with me all the time. I don't blame her at all but the timing is poor as school is starting in two days and all this is happening in her life right now. She's only ten and I can't imagine what is going through her little mind. She is seeing a therapist weekly and I hope it's helping! She doesn't share a whole lot with me, although she does really like her.

     So, how am I? Surprisingly well. I'm stronger than I have been in a long time and I have so many things that are going well for me that I believe I can handle this. I think I'm strong enough. I'm scared but that's normal. I cry, but that's okay. I worry......but I'm a mom. I think I'm reacting pretty normal to a very un normal life situation. I'm surrounding myself with loving and supportive people and that is helping a lot! I'm allowing myself to truly be me and that is making a huge difference in my life and in how I view things. My focus is so much better and more positive!!! I'm going to be okay, I just know I am. I don't have to be a victim anymore to get what I need out of life......I just have to be...........ME !!!!!

Those 90 days were the beginning of my life!

 

So as time goes on and so do my therapy/coaching sessions, I realize that those 90 days were the beginning of my life! What she has done for me has been an irreplaceable gift!!! I love going to the gym 6 days a week and getting in to shape and losing weight and looking good and having that time to myself. I love going shopping and buying new clothes to fit my new body and putting great outfits together! I love that I am starting to go out again with friends and get back to living a normal life. I was so broken for so long and now I'm healing and it's wonderful. I'm happy again with who I am. I'm feeling comfortable in my own skin and for me, that is a big deal !!! For so long, I hated who I was and everything about me but now I don't feel that way. I don't think I love myself yet but I really like myself a lot and that's a great start. I just have to keep working on it and it will happen. Patience grasshopper! Something I need quite a bit more of for sure.

Unfortunately, I have received some bad news over the past few days. My younger daughter; with the Mitochondrial disease appears to be developing POTS syndrome and Dysautonomia like her one older sister and we have started testing and new medications. It has already proven to be very difficult. She broke down in the doctors office and again during one of her more extensive tests. This is very difficult for her as she sees what her older sister is going through in terms of quality of life and I think that scares her. Luckily she is already seeing a therapist for chronic illness and I have bumped her up to weekly instead of bi-weekly. She is going to need a lot of support to get through this. I feel so helpless when it comes to both of my girls and so guilty because I feel like by having them I gave it to them. I know for a fact that my younger daughter's Mitochondrial disease is inherited maternally. I haven't done enough research on the other two diseases yet. I will be doing a lot of that in the coming months!!! My poor sweet girls, it just breaks my heart for the both of them. I wish I could take it away for them. I am grateful though that they are here and they are my daughters because they are beautiful inside and out and I am so lucky to be their mother! What a great blessing I have been given !!!

Despite this news, I remain happy because of the work I did during the 90 day challenge and the work that I continue to do each and every day! It's an ongoing process and I have to work every day at where I put my focus and my energy. I have to work at staying in the positive and staying away from the negative. I have to also be careful with who I surround myself with. I can not have negative people or unsupportive people in my life anymore. I have goals and dreams that I plan on making come true and I need nothing but support to get there! I don't want to be held back. I have so much life to live yet and I want to live it to the fullest! I will be successful because I can only fail if I don't try !!! I see my therapist/life coach tomorrow and I can't wait. I always come away feeling stronger and with great things to think about! I have some tough things to talk about tomorrow but I know that with her I can do it and be okay!

 

Should I feel guilty for taking my life back?

     So, on Thursday I made the decision and verbalized that I would no longer watch my grandson. I have been doing it for a bit over two months 40 hours a week while my son is sitting in jail and his girlfriend is working and it has completely disrupted my family's life. I have little time for my own children; to listen to them, talk with them, take them places, etc.... My fiancé comes home from work and after dinner around 7 takes him to his own house to bathe him and put him to bed until his mother gets home so we don't get to spend our evenings together. It has just been too much. We feel like a family divided half the time. We never have time to talk to each other and our whole lives were just revolving around the baby. After making this announcement, I took my two ill daughters and left Friday for the weekend for a relaxing getaway to regroup. My son stayed back to hang with his dad and my other daughter went camping with a group of friends.
     My fiancé who has the patience of a saint has worked with my son's girlfriend in getting her to find inexpensive childcare and help point her in the direction of independence. I feel some what guilty because I love my grandson but I have a life of my own and three minor children I'm still trying to raise. My son is to blame for the mess they are in.......not me!!! Let's be clear about that. My whole summer was essentially a mess, projects never got done, weekend getaways never happened, my gardening went to hell. I never got to visit my adult children where they live. We spent every day babysitting and our one or two days off going to the doctors, grocery shopping, banking, and running other errands as well as housekeeping and laundry.
     I finally feel like I have my life back. I got away for the weekend with the girls. Now I can focus on the beginning of the school year! I can focus on and take care of my ill girls. My 10 year old has been getting sicker and at her most recent appointment, we were told that she needs further testing because she may have another disease that her older sister has..........she burst into tears. It was hard to hear. My older daughter is now walking with a cane, needing a shower chair and has gotten a service dog. These are the things that I need to focus on. I love my grandson and don't mind helping out once in awhile but I can't raise him because of a choice my son made. I need to let go of that guilt and move on.
     They are adults and have to live with the choices they have made and learn from their mistakes. I have a family to raise that includes three minor children and two ill daughters. That has to be my priority. I also owe it to myself and all the hard work that I put into my 90 day challenge and my life coach sessions to keep myself on track and make my mental health and sobriety a priority! I've already started working on my physical health, waking before the kids and hitting the gym 6 times a week for 2-3 hours a morning! I feel great. I've lost 2 sizes and feel like I have so much more energy!! I get a lot more done when I come home from the gym, it's great.
     I'm super excited to now start all those projects that I have had to put off. I love interior decorating and I'm very excited to get started. Once my projects are done, I'm debating between going back to school or looking into some kind of work! I feel ready to fly!!! I feel like a butterfly ready to spread my wings!

Just How Hard is it to Choose Happiness?

     So, this is a question I needed to pose to myself! I was quite frustrated and rather angry for about a week. I felt that all these expectations and standards were being placed on me upon my completion of the 90 day challenge and in addition there were some things going on in my life that left me feeling rather out of control. I had had a few conversations with my 20 year old daughter and after talking about things like her obtaining a cane, a shower chair and a service dog, I was left feeling sad and helpless as well as angry at the universe for my precious child being ill. I think that I was also subconsciously realizing the seriousness and severity of her illness. In addition I was placing pressures on myself in various areas of my own life to be more than I was capable of at the given time and that was only frustrating myself more. I was finding myself aggravated with situations that I had no control over like my son not calling me or all the babysitting I do which leaves little time for my own life. I started to focus on all these things and pretty soon all I saw was red: anger!
     I went and had a session with my therapist/life coach and we talked through it. The session started off with me very angry and wanting to punch someone or something then flowed in to me crying and ended with me feeling calmer and gaining some understanding from my coach as to where I was going wrong. It was my focus! Now, the trick was whether or not I could go home and shift my focus in a different direction. Did I want to feel differently bad enough? Did I have enough strength and new tools to pull it off? In all honesty it took me about a day to really pull focus. I'm feeling great again; quite happy and grateful actually. It's all about my focus and it's all about choice.
     All of the things that led to my frustration and anger are still there. How I am viewing them is what has changed. My daughter is very ill and I can't fix it but she is here and she is mine and she is beautiful and smart and funny and kind and compassionate and how lucky am I to have her? My son chooses not to call me but to sit in prison and not continue a relationship with family.....it's sad but it's his issue. He's alive and in a safe place and I can be grateful for that and hope that one day he finds his way. It's all what I focus on. I have my moments and I allow them but only briefly and then I have to refocus because for me, I know how easily I can get stuck in the negative.
     I am enjoying working out at the gym every morning; having that time for myself, losing weight and getting in shape. I even treated myself to some new clothes! It's something just for me and it gets me through the more difficult times. Writing this blog has also been very good for me. I'm learning a lot about myself doing it! I'm looking for and finding more things that are positives in my life. My younger daughter has been having more and more flair ups of her Mitochondrial Disease so in addition to dealing with her and her doctor's appointments, I am trying to get more involved in promoting research and looking for other ways to get involved!
     It's not always easy to choose happiness but it is possible! FOCUS! There is so much to be grateful for and there is always some one else out there who has a more difficult journey. If I continued to spend my life focusing on all the things that have happened to me or happened in my life as I had done the first forty years; what a long and miserable life I would have to live out. It would probably be pretty lonely as well because who would want to be around me? I'm choosing happiness............and allowing for bumps in the road. ( LOL ) Love and Prayers, Diane Marie

There are those occassional days were being positive is a pain in the ass !

     I was thinking at the gym this morning. (Seems to be a new thing) I have a lot on my mind and one thing I am realizing is that I am trying to fit into everyone else's standards and thoughts and I am pretending that mine don't count. I believe that because other's don't always agree with my thoughts, they must be wrong. Who decided that? I'm allowed to have opinions and my own thoughts, aren't I? They can be different from others, can't they? I don't have to always agree with those around me, do I? I am an individual, aren't I? Isn't or wasn't the whole purpose of the 90 day challenge to become the best "ME" I could be? Well, I don't feel much like "me" right now. I feel like I am trying to conform to what everyone else thinks I should be. It's frustrating! I feel like if I'm not 100% positive all the time or in a great mood all the time then I am failing. I feel like if I'm not always smiling or if I get angry then; again, I am failing. I don't care to feel that way. It's not a good feeling.
     I wake up every morning and count all my blessings which is something that I never was able to do. I then get ready and head to the gym where I clear my mind, take care of my body and take some time for "me." I return home and tackle the many responsibilities of being a mother to six children: two handicapped, one in prison and a grandson who relies on me for stability. No one can know what my day to day is like because they haven't walked in my shoes. The doctors appointments, phone calls, paperwork, emails, emotional support, let alone housework, shopping, etc.. I used to feel very sorry for myself. I do still have those days occasionally but with the help of my life coach and the 90 day challenge, I have learned a lot about focus and redirecting thoughts and behaviors. I don't feel sorry for myself every day anymore, instead those days are fewer and farther between. I'm a strong woman and I am handling all this as well as can be expected considering my girls' diagnoses and my son's being in prison. I think any other mother in my situation would have rough days as well. I get frustrated and angry because I am human, who wouldn't? What I don't like is the way others make me feel when I get like that or should I say: when I express it!
     I feel like a new skier who mastered the small hill and now has the next bigger hill to tackle. It's a process and it's a bit frightening. I want to take it slow and be supported but I feel like I am being thrown to the top of the biggest hill and told, "Go ahead, your fine. Just ski!" There is so much I want to do. So much I want to accomplish. I have dreams. Many dreams actually but I'm not going to get there over night because in three months a fairy God Mother waived a magic wand and made my whole life all better and I feel like some people believe that is true! I am VERY proud of all the hard work and the commitment I made to the challenge but it isn't over. Every aspect of my life isn't magically better and honestly...................it pisses me off that everyone thinks it is!
     What I wrote about yesterday is also still a big issue running about my mind and I don't know how much it will continue to interfere with my true happiness. Six months ago my happiness was at 0%. I would say right now it is at about 60% and that is really fantastic! I don't know that I believe in 100% but I would like to get close. I am very blessed in so many ways. I have a beautiful home, children that I love to the moon and back, a beautiful grandson, I'm educated and strong, I have great talents and a lot of love to give. I don't want you to think that all I learned in the challenge was for not. What I'm trying to express is that I am a human being with feelings who is on a journey and I am not just magically healed after three months. Shit, if it really worked that way.............well, I don't even have words. I just know what I need and I need to find it. My journey is not over yet! Stay with me? Peace and Love, Diane Marie
    

No such thing as Perfection

     I had a session with my therapist/life coach yesterday and a question was posed to me. Well, actually a few questions were. How did I feel about lessening my sessions was one but the bigger one was if I wanted to do another 90 day challenge and what would the specific issue be. I had actually been thinking about that question in the gym that morning. I have a few things that I personally feel I still need to work on but I'm not sure A: that she will agree and B: how to verbalize them. We did start a conversation and I brought two things up. One that in particular was bothering me. The conversation left me feeling a certain way that I can't explain. I was some sort of upset and after thinking about it I think I felt a bit unheard. I had a good cry on the way home but was able to refocus and have a good evening. Later that night the question became something that started consuming my mind again.
     You may wonder why. I have a bad habit of over thinking things that bother me, especially if I feel that I have no one to talk about them with. I have worked really hard the last 3+ months to get to a place where I enjoy life but things are not perfect. There is no such thing. I've had a life time of pain and suffering and three months is not going to erase all of those events, thoughts, habits, behaviors, etc.... Did you ever have something that you were holding onto deep inside and you had no knowledge of how to verbalize it? That's where I sit right now. I've been holding on to it my whole life and I don't believe I will ever be able to be the real "ME" until I can verbalize it and work through it. It's keeping me some what stuck in a place that I am trying to escape. The problem is the amount of fear that is attached to it! Seems insurmountable.
     I woke up today and didn't know what to do with my thoughts or feelings so I hit the gym hard and doubled my work out and then came home and cleaned like a crazy person. I'm watching my grandson for the rest of the evening as well as working on some small projects and caring for my three kids that are home. My mind continues to center around this dilemma. How do I move forward? I feel trapped in my thoughts and emotions. My refocusing is not working today at all. It's big and has finally caught up to me. I'm not sure how to move forward with life.
     I have always known that life was a journey. I knew that it was going to be a journey with many paths. Many twists and turns, hills and mountains, times of flatlands and times where I would walk alone and walk with someone. I have been trying the last three months to enjoy the journey one day at a time and appreciate each day for what it is, be it rough terrain or a smooth path. I seem to have come across some very rough terrain right now and I am having a very hard time navigating. It's feeling a little lonely. I'm trying to look into my new tool box and see what tools will best suit me right now but I am honestly at a loss. I'm really not sure what to do. One day at a time and some prayers I suppose. Love to hear your feedback. Peace and Love, Diane Marie

I DID IT !!! Today is the 90th day !!!

     I did it, I actually did it! I completed the 90 day challenge that my therapist/life coach gave me! I am so proud of myself and so thankful to her !!! To think that 90 days ago, I just didn't really care about anything and was trying to hurt myself almost every other day and now I'm actually happy. It's mind blowing. I never thought this was going to work. I just woke up one day and made the commitment because I couldn't live the way I was anymore. I wasn't living actually.....I was slowly dying. No one wanted to be around me, including myself. I was so miserable. I just did not know how to change it.
     For my whole life I had been told I was worthless and useless and trash. I was treated horrible whether it was verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse or sexual abuse. I soon learned that acting out in a dramatic fashion was the only way to get attention in the environment I was in. I also learned that there were two particular ways to act to get the attention I craved. One was to act like a child and the other was to be an over sexual woman......both had negative consequences for me.
     In my work over the last 90 days I have learned that I can gain attention in a respectful way from the right kind of people. People who care about me and value me. I love it. It feels good to go through the day and act like an appropriate adult. One thing that I have always known I was, was intelligent. I went to college and I love to learn. I try to also take what I learn and find a way to apply it to my life and I believe I have done that with this 90 day challenge.
     It was a commitment I made on day one but I have to admit that I was very skeptical at first. It took me two weeks of true commitment to see that this program was truly going to work for me. So much comes naturally to me now. My family enjoys being around me and I enjoy being around me! I have learned to deal with things that for months and years were eating at me. An example is the relationship between a friend and myself. I was very conflicted as to whether or not to continue the relationship. In the past I would have had a very hard time expressing my feelings but I had a phone conversation and said everything I felt. It was so freeing and exactly what I needed to do for my peace of mind. I find that I am better able to express myself a lot now. I can say things to my fiancé that I would have never been able to say three months ago. We have amazing conversations about absolutely everything !!!
     I don't know that I can even begin to explain this program appropriately or do it justice. If anything that I have said in any of my posts has struck something in you then I encourage you to check out my life coach's website. It's www.powercoacher.com and read through it all. She's pretty amazing at what she does that's for sure. I'm going to start a new 90 day challenge specific to a particular issue. I'm looking forward to this new challenge. I feel that I have worked hard and come a long way in 90 days but after all I have been through in 40 years, I just believe that my work is not over yet. I don't feel confident saying that I'm okay and that I'm done with therapy/coaching. I still have work to do and I still have much I want to share with you !!! More to come later. Peace and Love, Diane Marie

Saw Life Coach Yesterday, set me straight/ Great day today !

     So, yesterday I had a session with my life coach. I walked in with a rather crappy frame of mind. I had had a melt down the night before and cried pretty hard in my fiancé's arms and acted rather "dramatic." I was feeling very overwhelmed with my day off ending and the knowledge I was to have a long day of babysitting the following day. I went on crying to my love about a million things and I got a little angry here and there and threw a few things. Basically I acted like I was five as well as only seeing things  in black and white.
     My coach helped me to see the error of my ways. She helped me realize that I had acted like a child and that there was a lot of grey to be seen in the situation that was so upsetting to me. During the session I was trying to see her point of view and I kind of did but I also just wanted her to let me be a mad cry baby........well, that's TOTALLY NOT her. I got over myself and realized she was right.....as usual!(ugh) I thought all the way home about what she had said and when my sweetheart got home we talked about it as well. I needed to think about, to have pointed out, and to see, that there are options for ways to handle what is going on in our life right now with my son. I also really needed to take a stand and make time for me!
     I joined a gym! Best thing I could have ever done. I love getting away from the house and having that "me" time and I love working out. I feel great when I am done. It makes me so much more energetic! I'm hoping to really get in to shape and lose weight, especially to look great in my wedding dress! I get free tanning too with my membership and I enjoy that so I tanned today. I'm looking forward to going to the gym each and every morning! I need to do more things for myself. I love writing this blog and I love working out, that's a start.
     My 90 day challenge is almost over and I feel both that I have learned so much and that I have so much to still learn. I haven't fully learned to control my temper. I'm still not skilled in seeing the grey. I feel sometimes like my toolbox is only half full and I get very afraid of going back to the way I was. I get scared of becoming suicidal again or losing my sobriety or if I just stop caring about everything. I think these are justifiable fears based on the last 40 years and the fact that I've only been okay for just shy of 90 days.
     I suppose that I just continue to take it one day at a time, try my best each day, continue to see my coach and continue looking for the grey, the solutions, the opportunities! Peace and Love

Choices

     I've come to learn through the help of my life coach that life really is all about choices. I never really knew that before because I wasn't raised in an environment where I had any. I thought I had to do what I was told for fear of the consequences and therefore I just grew up with that thought process. She taught me that that wasn't true and that as an adult I could make any choice I wanted and get all sorts of outcomes. One of her famous sayings to me has been "If you do the same, you get the same" and isn't that the truth? I have been getting the same for 40 years because I was so afraid to do different, afraid to make different choices. I was keeping myself stuck in a dark and miserable place that no one wanted to be in with me. It was a very lonely place and after awhile; I myself, just wanted to escape it anyway I could.
     Now here I am and I can't imagine being anywhere else; well, except maybe on the beach with my fiancé !!!! It's nice knowing that I have choices and I feel so grown up when I make them! I've been stuck at seven years old for so long that this being a mature adult thing is really knew to me and I'm still getting used to it but boy do I like it! It's pretty fun sometimes !!! Especially when I'm with my fiancé !!! I'm simply blown away with what I have learned in 85 days. Seems like a lifetime but it has gone so fast and I feel like there is so much more I want to work on and learn and know and talk about. I wish this was a 180 day challenge!
     Well; friends, todays post is going to be really short. I had a long doctor's appointment and it's already 3:30. I have to take my youngest to a therapy session (explain later) and with it being my day off, I have much I still need to accomplish. More tomorrow! Peace and Love

Seeing my Life Coach today

     So, I slept in a bit. Yesterday was a busy day. I have my coffee in hand and I'm at my desk, looking out the window ready to start this day......or am I? I'm seeing my life coach today and that both excites me and makes me nervous. I have about three or so hours before I go but I also get weird before I do. I guess it's because I always have so much I want to tell her and so many questions I want to ask and the damn time just goes by so fast. I tease her constantly about turning the clocks so she can't see them or that I need a whole day with her or a session every day for a week. She thinks I joke but most of the time I'm dead serious. There is so much swirling around in my head that I want to tell her and I always run out of time or I don't know exactly how to get it out in to words until it's too late.
     I can't believe I'm on day 84 of this 90 day challenge. It is so exciting. It's also very scary!!! What comes next? For the last 84 days I have been challenged to go so far beyond my comfort zone and force my self to do things that I didn't even believe in the beginning. One of the things I had to do was wake up every day and say to myself one thing that I was grateful for. In the beginning, I still wasn't even sure I wanted to be alive so I wasn't grateful for anything really but I committed myself to this challenge so I forced myself to find even the simplest thing. Now I can find 50 things I'm grateful for each morning !!!!
     It was very hard for me to commit to this challenge for a few different reasons. One was that I did not think it was going to work. I thought she was nuts! Another reason was that subconsciously I was worried that it would work and that if I was no longer the victim, no one would care about me or pay attention to me anymore. I ended up committing to the challenge for two reasons. One was that I knew I couldn't keep living the way I was because I was killing myself and was literally going to end up dead if I didn't stop and the other was despite my life coach because in my mind I thought she didn't believe I could do it !!! Whatever the reasons, I'm so glad I did because 84 days later I'm not the same person at all. I have a long way to go though. I still feel very fragile and I'm afraid sometimes that the big stuff could break me and what happened with my son almost did. I really had to rely on my fiancé and life coach to help me through. It still scares me because of the stress it continues to cause but I know they are there to support me through it.
     I have a bad habit of closing off and shutting everyone out when I am upset. I usually end up making a bad situation much worse by doing that. It's something I learned to do as a child. My way of "hiding", I suppose. I did it not to long ago. I even stayed off twitter for like a week which is like a miracle. I just sometimes don't know how to handle a feeling or situation and I feel guilty for not knowing or being good enough at this challenge and I shut down. I guess I forget that I'm not perfect and I don't have it all figured out yet.
     Well, need to rush off. Shower, laundry, dishes, etc.... it all calls. Peace and Love
    

Feeling Unbalanced this Morning

     I have been sitting here at my desk, looking out the window, drinking my coffee, playing on twitter and trying to decide what I wanted to write about today and I just haven't been able to come up with one concrete thought. As I sit here, I realize that I have more than one thought swirling around my head and more than one feeling swirling around my insides.
     Yesterday turned into a bit of a crazy day. It started out pretty good. I got quite a bit accomplished and my three kids; who still live at home, were helping me, but then they all left for activities and my grandson got here and it just got hectic. We had my daughter's softball game last night and he couldn't decide whether to enjoy being outside or if he wanted to be grumpy and then after the game all hell kind of broke loose. My daughter in law wasn't feeling well at all and I had to go pick her up from work, we were trying to get the baby bathed and ready for bed and her dumb friends just show up and don't get the picture that family is there and they should leave. Young people are not always real smart. Anyways, it just frustrated my fiancé and I but we left and figured she is an adult and we can't always tell her what to do. We have to let her make her own decisions and mistakes just like the rest of our kids. It sucks but we get tired of repeating ourselves or frustrating ourselves.
     So, todays a new day but I just feel all kinds of "eh." As my life coach taught me, I am trying to direct my thoughts to positive things. I'm getting a gym membership and I am so excited about it, so that makes me happy. I can get into better shape for my age and lose a little more weight before I pick out my wedding dress!!! I want to be a sexy bride!!! When I was drinking and doing drugs I had gained tons of weight. I think I was up to around 178 or so and I'm only five foot four and a half. I finally lost all that and got back to 135. I'd like to lose just a little more for my dress! I can't wait to start working out at the gym and having that "me" time !!!
     Now that three of my children are adults and living outside the home and two are in high school, that leaves me with Abby my ten year old. She will be heading back to school in the fall however and I will be alone all day. It's time for me to figure out who I am now. For the last 26 years, I have defined myself as a mother and really nothing else. Even when I was working, it was always about being a mom. Now here I am at 45 wondering who I am. What do I love to do? Where do I see myself in 5 years? In 10? How do I want to define myself? What do I want others to say about me besides, "she was a mom." I want to write, that I know !!! My goal is to write a book. I'm hoping that this blog is some sort of stepping stone towards that. I love writing, I always have. When I was in college I remember my English professor telling me that I should be a writer but I thought there was no money in it so I went into nursing instead. Now; as a mom, I advise my kids to follow their passions. Money isn't what's going to make you happy......truth! I also enjoy gardening and must admit that my yard looks pretty damn good ! I have let it go a little the last several weeks because of the situation with my son and all the time spent babysitting but I find gardening therapeutic. I could sit out there for hours pulling weeds and trimming my rose bushes. Fashion is another passion of mine. I love clothes and shoes but I love to do it my way !!! I don't follow any set trend. I like to be different, to be funky, to be comfortable, to be me !!!
     It feels so amazing to even be able to think about these things. See; before I committed to this 90 day challenge, I only could see myself as a victim of all the things that happened to me. I was the little girl who's daddy left her. I was the little girl ho's mommy beat her. I was the little girl who was molested. I was the young woman who was brutally raped. I was the young woman with mental issues. I was a single mother. I was alone. I was.....I was.... I was..... Now I can see all the possibilities! I am a good mother, a great friend, a caring and loving person, a funny and crazy girl, an aspiring writer, an awesome gardener, a lover of fashion and soooooo much more. I just want to hug my life coach for this gift she has given me !!!
     I hate to stop here but as usual I need to run and get my work done before my grandson gets here. Time goes so fast. More later. Peace and Love
    

Monday morning and I feel like Sybill

     Good morning friends. So here it is Monday morning and I feel like two different people. That's always fun, right? One minute I am all smiles thinking about all the good stuff in my life and the great day and night I had yesterday as well as how amazing this 90 day challenge is going but the next minute I feel scared and unhappy about some of the things in my life. What's a girl to do? If only it was socially/professionally acceptable to have your therapist/life coach's home number on speed dial !!! She might however find herself wanting to run away some days....LOL. I guess maybe the way I'm feeling may just be normal.
My life isn't ideal right now. It certainly isn't what I envisioned when I started day one of my 90 day challenge. So much changed so fast and some things that were there took on new meaning in my life.
     My life was so out of control before I took on this challenge. It was a two year train wreck really. I was drinking every day for a while. I could go through a 12 pack in a day sometimes. I would just watch the clock and wait for it to be time to pick up my kids so that I would be done driving and in for the rest of the day and then I could start drinking. I had so many blackouts it wasn't even funny. To make matters worse, I was mixing alcohol with pills which was a complete recipe for disaster. That led my ass to the hospital on more than one occasion. When that wasn't killing the pain quite enough, I started smoking pot in large quantities on top of the alcohol and pills. On those nights, I remember nothing. How I didn't kill myself is beyond me. I went on like that for over a year. I quit using on November 11, 2013 Eight months ago !!!! I am so proud of my sobriety. It's like putting on those new glasses for the first time and being able to see everything so clear, it's beautiful. My kids were over the moon when I stopped drinking and could remember everything they did and told me and actually be present to them on a daily basis.
     Never say never but I don't think I will ever pick up a drink after what I went through and after what I put those that I love through. It's not worth it to me. I have to laugh. For Father's Day I got my fiancé these amazing tickets to the Indians game and we went together one night. Well, we walk in and we are looking for our section and I said to him, "This is a hell of a place for a recovering alcoholic to come!" He giggled and told me I was strong and he wasn't even worried. I didn't even think of having a drink, I was simply amused.
     I can say now; 82 days into this challenge, that there is no way in hell I could have even attempted to do this had I not gotten sober. Even being sober I had a hard time embracing the challenge and I will explain why another time. I must rush off and take care of some things before I have to once again babysit my grandson. Peace and Love
    

Sunday Funday! My day Off !

     So, today is my day off, I don't have to babysit my grandson. I was able to sleep in which felt wonderful and then get up and read the paper and have coffee while trying to plot out my day. My 17 year old daughter has work today and my 14 year old son will be leaving for a birthday party/scavenger hunt. That will leave my ten year old daughter home with me and my sweetie.
     She can prove to be a real challenge. With her diagnosis of Mitochondrial disease, we kind of let her become both a brat and too attached to us. When she was born she was very sick and I went through a lot with her. As I said before, dad couldn't really handle it so I was the one to walk the journey with her. It took two grueling years to get to her diagnosis. Those two years consisted of constant hospitalizations, multiple surgeries, feeding tubes and scares of losing her. One scare in particular was one of the worst days of my life as I stood there alone and they told me they didn't know if she would make it......and then rushed her into emergency surgery.
     She had to have a muscle biopsy to receive her diagnosis and that left two 2 inch scars on each thigh. She was only two years old when it was done and it was so painful that she couldn't move. She just laid on the couch for over two weeks while I fed her and gently changed her diaper. The day I was given her diagnosis I was; as usual, alone. It was devastating as the doctor explained that there was no cure and at the time very little research. It was explained to me that she would be globally delayed, which she was and then she would level off but never at the same platitude as other children and then she would lose all her skills. I was told that there was no way to give me any time table because of the lack of research. In the beginning Abby went to physical, occupational and speech therapies for quite awhile. She was non verbal for two years and didn't even cry. We taught her sign language! Eventually over time she learned to walk and talk and feed and dress herself. Now at ten years old, she appears normal to most outsiders. She still can't do many things that most children can.
     She suffers from chronic migraines, muscle weakness and pain, chronic fatigue, heat and cold intolerance, GI distress, high blood pressure, allergies, weakened immune system, respiratory issues, heart issues and she is very small for her age. She's smart though. It has not impaired her cognitive abilities yet. With the knowledge in the back of my mind that I would out live her, I have celebrated every birthday on a grand scale and as if it were her last and I have spoiled the hell out of her, therefore creating a cute little monster!!! Now I am having to undo what I have created, explaining to her that having this disease does not excuse her from being a pain in the butt!! She's getting a little better. I have always been honest with her about her disease and she can explain it fairly well to others. She understands now that if she does things like goes to a peers house for a play date, she will pay for it later with fatigue and body pain. The only thing that I have not come out and said to her is that it will probably kill her before we go.
     She was granted a Make A Wish a few years back and the family was able to go to Disney. She loved it and got to meet every princess which was her goal !!! She is a special little girl. I believe that because of what she has endured in her short ten years, she is a much more compassionate kid than most ten year olds. She is having a hard time right now with her brother being in jail and with my limited time for her because of having my grandson 40 hours a week but I am working on doing special things with her and for her. I have also put her in therapy and she really likes her therapist which is great. I just felt that she really needed that outlet......like I do !!! Well, I better go play Easy Bake Oven with her. Peace and Love

A Mother's Love

     So I just received a phone call from my 20 year old daughter who lives in Washington D.C. She is there for the summer doing an internship for the Metropolitan Police Department. She will return to college her in Ohio in the fall for her last year. She is majoring in psychology. She is then going on to a school where she can kind of skip the Masters part and go ahead and get her Doctorate. Her focus is criminal psychology. She happens to be one of my ill children. She has POTS Syndrome, Peripheral Neuropathy, Fibromyalgia, Dysautonomia, Hypothyroidism, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.........and I think that may be it.
     So, anyways, I get a call from her a bit ago and she is crying so hard I can't understand her. She had another one of her episodes and ended up throwing up all over herself in the shower. Poor thing. She was so upset. She can barely do anything beyond her internship because the body pain and fatigue is so severe, let alone the dizziness and constant sweating. She has no social life because she is far too tired to ever leave the house.
     Her doctors have just filled out all the appropriate paperwork and she has gotten the approval for a service dog! I think that will help a little bit. At least she won't always be alone. As her mother, my heart aches for her. She became ill in middle school and it slowly got worse until her Jr year when she was no longer able to function like a normal child. It took quite awhile but we finally were able to get her diagnosed. She has been through countless tests and even more medications and the bottom line is that there is nothing that they can do for her. A few of her symptoms are managed with medications but over all there isn't much hope.
     The one thing I have learned through this journey with my daughter is how amazing she is and how proud I am of her. I tell her all the time that I want to be just like her when I grow up. Not only did she graduate high school with honors but she went on to college 2 1/2 hours away with the help of their disability program and worked through the summers to graduate a year early. Amazingly enough, she also pulled off studying a semester in Austria. It was very hard on her physically and sometimes emotionally but it was an experience of a life time. At 20 years old, she is an amazing young woman with great faith in God, super human motivation and a strong will. She is determined to live her life and not let her illnesses have her curled up in a ball feeling sorry for herself. I think we could all learn something from my daughter.....ESPECIALLY me !!! Please keep my baby in your prayers. I'm going to end here for tonight. Peace and Love

Why is it I'm even seeing a therapist/life coach at this time?

     You must be wondering why I'm really going to a therapist/life coach to begin with. As if what I shared isn't enough, LOL. I was doing really well raising my six kids and going to school as well as working for several years when out of the blue my father appeared via social media. I had not seen or heard from him in 37 years. I spent my entire life looking for him, wishing for him and blaming myself for his absence. I had finally made peace with the fact that he was gone and then one day he was there. It rocked my world. We communicated through Skype for months and then I flew out to CA to see him two years ago January. I was so nervous, the stewardess' gave me free drinks and I was pretty much drunk when I landed. (This was of course before my sobriety) I went again two years ago March. It was an indescribable experience. It really messed with my heart and my head and brought so much of my past back up to light. We continue to talk and I would love to go back and visit again as his health is failing but my life just has not allowed for that to happen yet. I started back into therapy because my feelings about him were just more than I could handle. On one hand I was so thrilled to have him in my life but on the other hand I was so angry that he left me to be raised by an abusive woman. It was a lot to sort out. I'm not sure that I did 100% sort through it but I'm at a comfortable place where I can tolerate it. He calls me "Little One" and I love it because no one has ever really called me anything nice like that !! I had it tattooed on my arm...lol.
     I have to say that he was my main reason for seeking help but in the last two years so many things have happened it just seemed imperative that I continue to go and see someone on a regular basis. I have been a wreck for two years. In and out of the hospital, self harming, repeatedly trying to kill myself, shutting people out, basically trying to destroy myself and my happiness. It wasn't until I hit rock bottom and agreed to the 90 day challenge and made a full commitment that my life began to change. I really wasn't sure it was going to work and I kind of thought my life coach was a little nuts but I have to take that back now. Turns out she totally knows her shit!!! Damn, I hate when I'm wrong...lol.
     This post is going to be short. I'm off to my youngest daughter's baseball game and then cleaning and laundry and then babysitting the grandson till 10. Tomorrow I'm off though !!!! I can write lots, yay !!! Peace and love

The love of my life, my biggest surprise, my fiance

     So yesterday I left off mentioning about my fiancé. I got engaged on May 2nd !!! I have been divorced for 13 years now and only dated a bit as I was too busy raising six kids on my own. My divorce wasn't so nice in the beginning and I have to take responsibility for that ! I was a bit of a bitch through out the marriage and I'm not sure I was ever really in love with him. I was in love with the concept of having the family I never had as a child. I never really achieved that though, did I? I couldn't have because I was so unhappy all the time that I was making everyone else miserable, particularly my ex husband. It really was a bad situation and in the end I finally pushed him away.
     After a few months though, we were able to come to an understanding that our kids were the number one priority and we did what was necessary to make them happy. He took them on the weekends, attended all their games, concerts and various functions and was over all a great dad. He had his faults as did I. He never could really deal with our ill children so I had to attend all doctor's appointments, procedures and surgeries alone but I grew used to it. I resented him at first but began to realize he was giving what he was capable of. I had gone back to school and he would come from work and watch the children and feed them and put them to bed. I had to think to myself that I could take what he was capable of giving and be grateful or continue to be resentful but what would that get me? I needed to remember too how many single mothers there were that had no support at all from their children's fathers......I was lucky!
     So as the years passed, I realized that he actually was my best friend and a few years ago I began to have the feelings for him that I should have had prior to our first marriage. So here we are now; 25 years after meeting and I am so in love with this man that I can't stand to be away from him! He accepts me for me, flaws and all. He makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts. We have the same dreams not only for our children but for ourselves as a couple. We want the best for each other. Yep! My fiancé is my ex-husband and I couldn't be happier! We are looking so forward to wedding number two!!! My children are so happy, my 17 year old cried when I told her. My life coach is thrilled for us and I'm very happy she approves :) It's kind of crazy but you can't help who you love. With everything going on with our older son, it feels so great to have my best friend at my side! He helps as much as he can with our grandson as well. We are exhausted most of the time however! Just to make you laugh.....yesterday was our day off from the grandson and we were planning a little intimacy and low and behold........I fell asleep on him !!!! Hahahaha. I'm not to sure he found it funny but I know he understands!
     Well, time to run. The grandson is on his way. More tomorrow. Peace and love.
    

Saw my life coach today

     So I saw my life coach late this morning. It was a good thing for me. It's like she picks me back up and sets me back on the right path when I falter. She reminds me of how hard I have worked, how much I have changed, what I have to lose and what I have to gain. She reminds me of my options and I leave with much to think about because I am an adult and in the end, the choices are mine to make. I know that she meets some resistance with me regarding certain subjects and it probably drives her nuts but its years of me feeling and behaving a certain way.......and I struggle to change that without emense amounts of guilt. I'll slowly get there. I have to if I'm going to conquer the 90 day challenge !
     Today has been a rather calm and relaxing day for me since I did not have to watch my grandson. It was my day off. I was able to do house work and run errands as well as spend a little time with my own younger children. I'm looking forward to a very calm night. I have been so overwhelmed lately with babysitting 40 hours a week, caring for my own home and family, caring for my mom's ill cat, trying to sort out a very confusing friendship and about another 100 things that have been thrown my way in the past several weeks. I have a definite problem saying no to people. Something I must work on. I have a really bad habit of putting everyone else's needs ahead of mine and then I become so overloaded that I literally can't cope. Not a place I want to be again !!!
     This entry is going to be short as I need to run and make dinner and take care of my family but I hope to write more tomorrow. Maybe I'll share the story about my fiancé ! Peace and Love

Another Day in the life

     So yesterday was my son's pre-trial hearing. The prosecution is going hard and pushing for 1-3 years. Our lawyer is pushing back. They will be back in court in 2 weeks trying to settle on a deal. This will happen a total of three or four times before it is decided to go to a jury trial. I hope that doesn't have to happen. When I heard 1-3 years I got very scared. I don't honestly know if I can handle him being gone that long. But for now, I have to take it one day at a time and try my best each day !!! That's what my life coach says. "Success is trying your best each day." "Failure is not trying at all" By her standards, I am successful 95% of the time !!! I guess that's not too bad, huh?
     My blogging may jump around a bit but then again, don't our thoughts? I wanted to write this for myself, as a therapeutic way of sorting my thoughts but I also wanted to share my story. A story of some one who had a very difficult childhood and life and with the help of a good therapist/life coach and her 90 day challenge, was able to change  my thought and behavior patterns which had been there for years interfering with my happiness. It's an amazing story that's not even close to being done but the journey has been exhilarating! I'm on day 78 right now but I must admit that the last week and a half has been a real challenge for me and I have come so close to wanting to give up this last week. I still have bad days and trauma in my life like everyone else. The thing is I'm in this space where I'm between the old me who dealt with challenges with self destructive behavior and the new me who deals with challenges by looking for solutions !!! Sometimes I slip or simply freeze somewhere in the middle.
     I should also share that I am a recovering alcoholic and addict. I am 8 months sober and that means the world to me. My children and life coach have been very supportive through my recovery and I wouldn't even be able to attempt this 90 day challenge without my sobriety !!! I am very proud of myself for quiting on my own and not slipping !!!
     I also want to mention that I used to be a cutter and have many scars to prove it but since I began this 90 day challenge 78 days ago, I have not touched my body like that. I have not wanted to cut at all. I look at my body differently. I also was addicted to suicidal behavior and my attempts are countless. My doctor and my life coach were both just waiting for me to accidentally  overdose and die but I have not made an attempt in 78 days and I haven't wanted to. This challenge is slowly changing my life, although I have a long way to go !!!!
     I've also suffered anorexia my whole life and at times throughout my life was very sick from it. I recently dropped 40 pounds but now I am maintaining my weight and focusing more on the important things. I still struggle a great deal with body image......it's something I have to work on !!!
     Start each day with something your grateful with, that's what my life coach always tells me ! Today I am grateful for her and how far she has helped me come and how she challenges me and opens new doors for me to walk through. I'm going to see her today and boy do I need it !!! More blogging tomorrow or later tonight. Love and Prayers
    

A little more about my backround

     Yesterday I left off talking about having my daughter at 19 and how that started to turn my life around and indeed it did. I found a full time job that paid well, a reasonably priced apartment and a car I could afford.....all on my own. I was pretty proud of myself. I worked 40 hours a week and had my little girl in day care. It was a challenge and at times a lonely life but I spent my evenings playing with her and we had a tight bond when she was little.
     Unfortunately; after working there for a year, tragedy struck my life again. I was brutally raped and beaten and thought I was going to die that night. For weeks after, I would lay in bed at night and wish that he had just killed me. It changed who I was, it changed my whole life. It took years upon years of therapy to even be able to talk about it and only now can I say that I am a rape survivor!!! I used to believe it defined who I was. I used to think it made me less of a person but working with my life coach, I realize that that is not true. It's part of my story but it does not define me. It happened to me but it isn't who I am!
     While I was working, I met a man and we started dating. He was really good to me and my little girl. After about a year we got married. We went on to have 5 beautiful children. As I stated in the beginning, two have chronic medical conditions. Unfortunately it wasn't meant to be at that time and after ten years we divorced. My older son took it the worst. It was a great challenge for me for several years. I both went back to school and got a job. I had to put my youngest in daycare and the older kids were on their own a lot. It was hard on all of us. They saw their dad on the weekends but I know that in their minds, that wasn't enough. I did the best I could. Almost nine years ago now, I moved the family across town to a neighborhood I felt would be better for them. They were upset at first but in the long run it turned out to be one of the best things that I could have done for them !!!
     My oldest daughter is now 26 and lives about 2 1/2 hours away. She works 2 jobs and runs an organization that promotes women's religious vocations. My 2nd; my son, is 22 and is the one in jail. He is awaiting trial and sentencing. My 3rd; a daughter, is one of the chronically ill but pushes ahead anyways!! Right now she is in Washington D.C. doing an internship with the Metropolitan Police Department and will be returning to college in the fall to graduate with her BA a year early and then head to Chicago for her Doctorate Program. My 4th; a daughter, will be a senior in high school this year and just got her first job! She is also in the arts both in drama and as a cello player. My 5th; a son, is going to be a freshman in high school and also plays the cello as well as video games of course. My baby is my ten year old daughter who has Mitochondrial Disease an incurable disease that will one day take her from me. She is a real character and keeps us entertained as well as drives us nuts!!!
     Well, those are my kiddos. I love them very much. I'm working very hard on not feeling completely responsible for what my son has done. I have such wonderful kids and I look at this situation and wonder where I went wrong. I think to my self many times through out the day, "How could he have done this?" "I didn't raise him like that." That's where having my wonderful life coach helps. She teaches me how to redirect my thoughts. If I have five really good, sweet, successful, compassionate children.....then I must not be too bad of a mom, huh? My son; unfortunately, has issues. Many of them mental health issues that need addressed and as his mom, I need to just be there to support him and pray that he gets the help he needs and that this all works out in the end !!! In the mean time, I have to find the balance between helping and taking on full responsibility of my grandson. Babysitting 40 hours a week on top of my own life is a lot !!! I love him and his mother to death but I feel as if I'm losing hold of myself and my own family sometimes. I know there's a solution out there, I just need to find it before I lose my mind!
     So much more I want to write about and so much more to share about having a life coach but I need to go get some work done before the grandson gets here. More later! Peace and Love

Today I saw my life coach after her week vacation & my challenging week

     It was so good to get back into the office and spend some time with my life coach!!! I had a really challenging week while she was gone on vacation. I guess for you to understand why I am working with a life coach and attempting a 90 day challenge, you might need a little back round.
     I am a 45 year old mother of six and I also have one grandchild. Two of my children suffer from chronic medical conditions that require a lot of doctor visits, medications, tests and care. I am now watching my grandson 40 hours a week and it is taking a toll on me as I still have three minor children living at home with me. I often feel as if I am neglecting my own kiddos to care for my one year old, very needy grandson.
     I was thrown into this situation a month ago when my oldest son made a terrible mistake that landed him in jail and put me in this position. I didn't see this as how my life was going to be at 45 and I am finding it to be a tremendous challenge !!! I am trying to work through it with my life coach without having a nervous breakdown.
     Backing up quite a bit, I'd like to give a little more back round on myself. My dad left when I was about 7 years old and my younger brother and I were raised by my mother. She was a very abusive woman: physically, verbally and emotionally, my entire life !!! It was a very challenging childhood and I had to grow up fast as running the house became my responsibility by age 8 or 9.  We had nothing as children, including many friends and were often bullied and picked on. I was sexually abused by both an uncle and a neighbor as a child but when I brought it up, my mother dismissed it and called me a liar. By high school I was anorexic, depressed, suicidal and using drugs to try and escape the pain. My mother had me committed to a teenage mental institution for a total of 5 months.........and didn't visit !!! I did manage to graduate high school but left home immediately after.
     I lived with a couple in their thirties for awhile. It was the three of us in a relationship in which I was being constantly fed drugs so I didn't even know until much later how wrong it was. They would send me out to meet with different men to aquire drugs for free or low cost. Looking back........it was disgusting. It lasted about six months. I finally broke away from the situation and found myself in another one that wasn't great either. The outcome of that was having my oldest daughter at 19. Having her helped to begin to turn my life around though. Her father left before she was ever born. I grew up fast: job, daycare, apartment and became supermom with no ones help at all.
     Much more to come tomorrow and over the coming days and weeks and how having a life coach can really help turn it all around !!! Talk to you all tomorrow or even later this evening ! I'm excited to share this whole journey with you !!!