So, this is a question I needed to pose to myself! I was quite frustrated and rather angry for about a week. I felt that all these expectations and standards were being placed on me upon my completion of the 90 day challenge and in addition there were some things going on in my life that left me feeling rather out of control. I had had a few conversations with my 20 year old daughter and after talking about things like her obtaining a cane, a shower chair and a service dog, I was left feeling sad and helpless as well as angry at the universe for my precious child being ill. I think that I was also subconsciously realizing the seriousness and severity of her illness. In addition I was placing pressures on myself in various areas of my own life to be more than I was capable of at the given time and that was only frustrating myself more. I was finding myself aggravated with situations that I had no control over like my son not calling me or all the babysitting I do which leaves little time for my own life. I started to focus on all these things and pretty soon all I saw was red: anger!
I went and had a session with my therapist/life coach and we talked through it. The session started off with me very angry and wanting to punch someone or something then flowed in to me crying and ended with me feeling calmer and gaining some understanding from my coach as to where I was going wrong. It was my focus! Now, the trick was whether or not I could go home and shift my focus in a different direction. Did I want to feel differently bad enough? Did I have enough strength and new tools to pull it off? In all honesty it took me about a day to really pull focus. I'm feeling great again; quite happy and grateful actually. It's all about my focus and it's all about choice.
All of the things that led to my frustration and anger are still there. How I am viewing them is what has changed. My daughter is very ill and I can't fix it but she is here and she is mine and she is beautiful and smart and funny and kind and compassionate and how lucky am I to have her? My son chooses not to call me but to sit in prison and not continue a relationship with family.....it's sad but it's his issue. He's alive and in a safe place and I can be grateful for that and hope that one day he finds his way. It's all what I focus on. I have my moments and I allow them but only briefly and then I have to refocus because for me, I know how easily I can get stuck in the negative.
I am enjoying working out at the gym every morning; having that time for myself, losing weight and getting in shape. I even treated myself to some new clothes! It's something just for me and it gets me through the more difficult times. Writing this blog has also been very good for me. I'm learning a lot about myself doing it! I'm looking for and finding more things that are positives in my life. My younger daughter has been having more and more flair ups of her Mitochondrial Disease so in addition to dealing with her and her doctor's appointments, I am trying to get more involved in promoting research and looking for other ways to get involved!
It's not always easy to choose happiness but it is possible! FOCUS! There is so much to be grateful for and there is always some one else out there who has a more difficult journey. If I continued to spend my life focusing on all the things that have happened to me or happened in my life as I had done the first forty years; what a long and miserable life I would have to live out. It would probably be pretty lonely as well because who would want to be around me? I'm choosing happiness............and allowing for bumps in the road. ( LOL ) Love and Prayers, Diane Marie
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