I have been sitting here at my desk, looking out the window, drinking my coffee, playing on twitter and trying to decide what I wanted to write about today and I just haven't been able to come up with one concrete thought. As I sit here, I realize that I have more than one thought swirling around my head and more than one feeling swirling around my insides.
Yesterday turned into a bit of a crazy day. It started out pretty good. I got quite a bit accomplished and my three kids; who still live at home, were helping me, but then they all left for activities and my grandson got here and it just got hectic. We had my daughter's softball game last night and he couldn't decide whether to enjoy being outside or if he wanted to be grumpy and then after the game all hell kind of broke loose. My daughter in law wasn't feeling well at all and I had to go pick her up from work, we were trying to get the baby bathed and ready for bed and her dumb friends just show up and don't get the picture that family is there and they should leave. Young people are not always real smart. Anyways, it just frustrated my fiancé and I but we left and figured she is an adult and we can't always tell her what to do. We have to let her make her own decisions and mistakes just like the rest of our kids. It sucks but we get tired of repeating ourselves or frustrating ourselves.
So, todays a new day but I just feel all kinds of "eh." As my life coach taught me, I am trying to direct my thoughts to positive things. I'm getting a gym membership and I am so excited about it, so that makes me happy. I can get into better shape for my age and lose a little more weight before I pick out my wedding dress!!! I want to be a sexy bride!!! When I was drinking and doing drugs I had gained tons of weight. I think I was up to around 178 or so and I'm only five foot four and a half. I finally lost all that and got back to 135. I'd like to lose just a little more for my dress! I can't wait to start working out at the gym and having that "me" time !!!
Now that three of my children are adults and living outside the home and two are in high school, that leaves me with Abby my ten year old. She will be heading back to school in the fall however and I will be alone all day. It's time for me to figure out who I am now. For the last 26 years, I have defined myself as a mother and really nothing else. Even when I was working, it was always about being a mom. Now here I am at 45 wondering who I am. What do I love to do? Where do I see myself in 5 years? In 10? How do I want to define myself? What do I want others to say about me besides, "she was a mom." I want to write, that I know !!! My goal is to write a book. I'm hoping that this blog is some sort of stepping stone towards that. I love writing, I always have. When I was in college I remember my English professor telling me that I should be a writer but I thought there was no money in it so I went into nursing instead. Now; as a mom, I advise my kids to follow their passions. Money isn't what's going to make you happy......truth! I also enjoy gardening and must admit that my yard looks pretty damn good ! I have let it go a little the last several weeks because of the situation with my son and all the time spent babysitting but I find gardening therapeutic. I could sit out there for hours pulling weeds and trimming my rose bushes. Fashion is another passion of mine. I love clothes and shoes but I love to do it my way !!! I don't follow any set trend. I like to be different, to be funky, to be comfortable, to be me !!!
It feels so amazing to even be able to think about these things. See; before I committed to this 90 day challenge, I only could see myself as a victim of all the things that happened to me. I was the little girl who's daddy left her. I was the little girl ho's mommy beat her. I was the little girl who was molested. I was the young woman who was brutally raped. I was the young woman with mental issues. I was a single mother. I was alone. I was.....I was.... I was..... Now I can see all the possibilities! I am a good mother, a great friend, a caring and loving person, a funny and crazy girl, an aspiring writer, an awesome gardener, a lover of fashion and soooooo much more. I just want to hug my life coach for this gift she has given me !!!
I hate to stop here but as usual I need to run and get my work done before my grandson gets here. Time goes so fast. More later. Peace and Love
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