So, yesterday I had a session with my life coach. I walked in with a rather crappy frame of mind. I had had a melt down the night before and cried pretty hard in my fiancé's arms and acted rather "dramatic." I was feeling very overwhelmed with my day off ending and the knowledge I was to have a long day of babysitting the following day. I went on crying to my love about a million things and I got a little angry here and there and threw a few things. Basically I acted like I was five as well as only seeing things in black and white.
My coach helped me to see the error of my ways. She helped me realize that I had acted like a child and that there was a lot of grey to be seen in the situation that was so upsetting to me. During the session I was trying to see her point of view and I kind of did but I also just wanted her to let me be a mad cry baby........well, that's TOTALLY NOT her. I got over myself and realized she was right.....as usual!(ugh) I thought all the way home about what she had said and when my sweetheart got home we talked about it as well. I needed to think about, to have pointed out, and to see, that there are options for ways to handle what is going on in our life right now with my son. I also really needed to take a stand and make time for me!
I joined a gym! Best thing I could have ever done. I love getting away from the house and having that "me" time and I love working out. I feel great when I am done. It makes me so much more energetic! I'm hoping to really get in to shape and lose weight, especially to look great in my wedding dress! I get free tanning too with my membership and I enjoy that so I tanned today. I'm looking forward to going to the gym each and every morning! I need to do more things for myself. I love writing this blog and I love working out, that's a start.
My 90 day challenge is almost over and I feel both that I have learned so much and that I have so much to still learn. I haven't fully learned to control my temper. I'm still not skilled in seeing the grey. I feel sometimes like my toolbox is only half full and I get very afraid of going back to the way I was. I get scared of becoming suicidal again or losing my sobriety or if I just stop caring about everything. I think these are justifiable fears based on the last 40 years and the fact that I've only been okay for just shy of 90 days.
I suppose that I just continue to take it one day at a time, try my best each day, continue to see my coach and continue looking for the grey, the solutions, the opportunities! Peace and Love
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