I had a session with my therapist/life coach yesterday and a question was posed to me. Well, actually a few questions were. How did I feel about lessening my sessions was one but the bigger one was if I wanted to do another 90 day challenge and what would the specific issue be. I had actually been thinking about that question in the gym that morning. I have a few things that I personally feel I still need to work on but I'm not sure A: that she will agree and B: how to verbalize them. We did start a conversation and I brought two things up. One that in particular was bothering me. The conversation left me feeling a certain way that I can't explain. I was some sort of upset and after thinking about it I think I felt a bit unheard. I had a good cry on the way home but was able to refocus and have a good evening. Later that night the question became something that started consuming my mind again.
You may wonder why. I have a bad habit of over thinking things that bother me, especially if I feel that I have no one to talk about them with. I have worked really hard the last 3+ months to get to a place where I enjoy life but things are not perfect. There is no such thing. I've had a life time of pain and suffering and three months is not going to erase all of those events, thoughts, habits, behaviors, etc.... Did you ever have something that you were holding onto deep inside and you had no knowledge of how to verbalize it? That's where I sit right now. I've been holding on to it my whole life and I don't believe I will ever be able to be the real "ME" until I can verbalize it and work through it. It's keeping me some what stuck in a place that I am trying to escape. The problem is the amount of fear that is attached to it! Seems insurmountable.
I woke up today and didn't know what to do with my thoughts or feelings so I hit the gym hard and doubled my work out and then came home and cleaned like a crazy person. I'm watching my grandson for the rest of the evening as well as working on some small projects and caring for my three kids that are home. My mind continues to center around this dilemma. How do I move forward? I feel trapped in my thoughts and emotions. My refocusing is not working today at all. It's big and has finally caught up to me. I'm not sure how to move forward with life.
I have always known that life was a journey. I knew that it was going to be a journey with many paths. Many twists and turns, hills and mountains, times of flatlands and times where I would walk alone and walk with someone. I have been trying the last three months to enjoy the journey one day at a time and appreciate each day for what it is, be it rough terrain or a smooth path. I seem to have come across some very rough terrain right now and I am having a very hard time navigating. It's feeling a little lonely. I'm trying to look into my new tool box and see what tools will best suit me right now but I am honestly at a loss. I'm really not sure what to do. One day at a time and some prayers I suppose. Love to hear your feedback. Peace and Love, Diane Marie
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