Yesterday I left off talking about having my daughter at 19 and how that started to turn my life around and indeed it did. I found a full time job that paid well, a reasonably priced apartment and a car I could afford.....all on my own. I was pretty proud of myself. I worked 40 hours a week and had my little girl in day care. It was a challenge and at times a lonely life but I spent my evenings playing with her and we had a tight bond when she was little.
Unfortunately; after working there for a year, tragedy struck my life again. I was brutally raped and beaten and thought I was going to die that night. For weeks after, I would lay in bed at night and wish that he had just killed me. It changed who I was, it changed my whole life. It took years upon years of therapy to even be able to talk about it and only now can I say that I am a rape survivor!!! I used to believe it defined who I was. I used to think it made me less of a person but working with my life coach, I realize that that is not true. It's part of my story but it does not define me. It happened to me but it isn't who I am!
While I was working, I met a man and we started dating. He was really good to me and my little girl. After about a year we got married. We went on to have 5 beautiful children. As I stated in the beginning, two have chronic medical conditions. Unfortunately it wasn't meant to be at that time and after ten years we divorced. My older son took it the worst. It was a great challenge for me for several years. I both went back to school and got a job. I had to put my youngest in daycare and the older kids were on their own a lot. It was hard on all of us. They saw their dad on the weekends but I know that in their minds, that wasn't enough. I did the best I could. Almost nine years ago now, I moved the family across town to a neighborhood I felt would be better for them. They were upset at first but in the long run it turned out to be one of the best things that I could have done for them !!!
My oldest daughter is now 26 and lives about 2 1/2 hours away. She works 2 jobs and runs an organization that promotes women's religious vocations. My 2nd; my son, is 22 and is the one in jail. He is awaiting trial and sentencing. My 3rd; a daughter, is one of the chronically ill but pushes ahead anyways!! Right now she is in Washington D.C. doing an internship with the Metropolitan Police Department and will be returning to college in the fall to graduate with her BA a year early and then head to Chicago for her Doctorate Program. My 4th; a daughter, will be a senior in high school this year and just got her first job! She is also in the arts both in drama and as a cello player. My 5th; a son, is going to be a freshman in high school and also plays the cello as well as video games of course. My baby is my ten year old daughter who has Mitochondrial Disease an incurable disease that will one day take her from me. She is a real character and keeps us entertained as well as drives us nuts!!!
Well, those are my kiddos. I love them very much. I'm working very hard on not feeling completely responsible for what my son has done. I have such wonderful kids and I look at this situation and wonder where I went wrong. I think to my self many times through out the day, "How could he have done this?" "I didn't raise him like that." That's where having my wonderful life coach helps. She teaches me how to redirect my thoughts. If I have five really good, sweet, successful, compassionate children.....then I must not be too bad of a mom, huh? My son; unfortunately, has issues. Many of them mental health issues that need addressed and as his mom, I need to just be there to support him and pray that he gets the help he needs and that this all works out in the end !!! In the mean time, I have to find the balance between helping and taking on full responsibility of my grandson. Babysitting 40 hours a week on top of my own life is a lot !!! I love him and his mother to death but I feel as if I'm losing hold of myself and my own family sometimes. I know there's a solution out there, I just need to find it before I lose my mind!
So much more I want to write about and so much more to share about having a life coach but I need to go get some work done before the grandson gets here. More later! Peace and Love
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