You must be wondering why I'm really going to a therapist/life coach to begin with. As if what I shared isn't enough, LOL. I was doing really well raising my six kids and going to school as well as working for several years when out of the blue my father appeared via social media. I had not seen or heard from him in 37 years. I spent my entire life looking for him, wishing for him and blaming myself for his absence. I had finally made peace with the fact that he was gone and then one day he was there. It rocked my world. We communicated through Skype for months and then I flew out to CA to see him two years ago January. I was so nervous, the stewardess' gave me free drinks and I was pretty much drunk when I landed. (This was of course before my sobriety) I went again two years ago March. It was an indescribable experience. It really messed with my heart and my head and brought so much of my past back up to light. We continue to talk and I would love to go back and visit again as his health is failing but my life just has not allowed for that to happen yet. I started back into therapy because my feelings about him were just more than I could handle. On one hand I was so thrilled to have him in my life but on the other hand I was so angry that he left me to be raised by an abusive woman. It was a lot to sort out. I'm not sure that I did 100% sort through it but I'm at a comfortable place where I can tolerate it. He calls me "Little One" and I love it because no one has ever really called me anything nice like that !! I had it tattooed on my arm...lol.
I have to say that he was my main reason for seeking help but in the last two years so many things have happened it just seemed imperative that I continue to go and see someone on a regular basis. I have been a wreck for two years. In and out of the hospital, self harming, repeatedly trying to kill myself, shutting people out, basically trying to destroy myself and my happiness. It wasn't until I hit rock bottom and agreed to the 90 day challenge and made a full commitment that my life began to change. I really wasn't sure it was going to work and I kind of thought my life coach was a little nuts but I have to take that back now. Turns out she totally knows her shit!!! Damn, I hate when I'm wrong...lol.
This post is going to be short. I'm off to my youngest daughter's baseball game and then cleaning and laundry and then babysitting the grandson till 10. Tomorrow I'm off though !!!! I can write lots, yay !!! Peace and love
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