Seeing my Life Coach today

     So, I slept in a bit. Yesterday was a busy day. I have my coffee in hand and I'm at my desk, looking out the window ready to start this day......or am I? I'm seeing my life coach today and that both excites me and makes me nervous. I have about three or so hours before I go but I also get weird before I do. I guess it's because I always have so much I want to tell her and so many questions I want to ask and the damn time just goes by so fast. I tease her constantly about turning the clocks so she can't see them or that I need a whole day with her or a session every day for a week. She thinks I joke but most of the time I'm dead serious. There is so much swirling around in my head that I want to tell her and I always run out of time or I don't know exactly how to get it out in to words until it's too late.
     I can't believe I'm on day 84 of this 90 day challenge. It is so exciting. It's also very scary!!! What comes next? For the last 84 days I have been challenged to go so far beyond my comfort zone and force my self to do things that I didn't even believe in the beginning. One of the things I had to do was wake up every day and say to myself one thing that I was grateful for. In the beginning, I still wasn't even sure I wanted to be alive so I wasn't grateful for anything really but I committed myself to this challenge so I forced myself to find even the simplest thing. Now I can find 50 things I'm grateful for each morning !!!!
     It was very hard for me to commit to this challenge for a few different reasons. One was that I did not think it was going to work. I thought she was nuts! Another reason was that subconsciously I was worried that it would work and that if I was no longer the victim, no one would care about me or pay attention to me anymore. I ended up committing to the challenge for two reasons. One was that I knew I couldn't keep living the way I was because I was killing myself and was literally going to end up dead if I didn't stop and the other was despite my life coach because in my mind I thought she didn't believe I could do it !!! Whatever the reasons, I'm so glad I did because 84 days later I'm not the same person at all. I have a long way to go though. I still feel very fragile and I'm afraid sometimes that the big stuff could break me and what happened with my son almost did. I really had to rely on my fiancé and life coach to help me through. It still scares me because of the stress it continues to cause but I know they are there to support me through it.
     I have a bad habit of closing off and shutting everyone out when I am upset. I usually end up making a bad situation much worse by doing that. It's something I learned to do as a child. My way of "hiding", I suppose. I did it not to long ago. I even stayed off twitter for like a week which is like a miracle. I just sometimes don't know how to handle a feeling or situation and I feel guilty for not knowing or being good enough at this challenge and I shut down. I guess I forget that I'm not perfect and I don't have it all figured out yet.
     Well, need to rush off. Shower, laundry, dishes, etc.... it all calls. Peace and Love