I was thinking at the gym this morning. (Seems to be a new thing) I have a lot on my mind and one thing I am realizing is that I am trying to fit into everyone else's standards and thoughts and I am pretending that mine don't count. I believe that because other's don't always agree with my thoughts, they must be wrong. Who decided that? I'm allowed to have opinions and my own thoughts, aren't I? They can be different from others, can't they? I don't have to always agree with those around me, do I? I am an individual, aren't I? Isn't or wasn't the whole purpose of the 90 day challenge to become the best "ME" I could be? Well, I don't feel much like "me" right now. I feel like I am trying to conform to what everyone else thinks I should be. It's frustrating! I feel like if I'm not 100% positive all the time or in a great mood all the time then I am failing. I feel like if I'm not always smiling or if I get angry then; again, I am failing. I don't care to feel that way. It's not a good feeling.
I wake up every morning and count all my blessings which is something that I never was able to do. I then get ready and head to the gym where I clear my mind, take care of my body and take some time for "me." I return home and tackle the many responsibilities of being a mother to six children: two handicapped, one in prison and a grandson who relies on me for stability. No one can know what my day to day is like because they haven't walked in my shoes. The doctors appointments, phone calls, paperwork, emails, emotional support, let alone housework, shopping, etc.. I used to feel very sorry for myself. I do still have those days occasionally but with the help of my life coach and the 90 day challenge, I have learned a lot about focus and redirecting thoughts and behaviors. I don't feel sorry for myself every day anymore, instead those days are fewer and farther between. I'm a strong woman and I am handling all this as well as can be expected considering my girls' diagnoses and my son's being in prison. I think any other mother in my situation would have rough days as well. I get frustrated and angry because I am human, who wouldn't? What I don't like is the way others make me feel when I get like that or should I say: when I express it!
I feel like a new skier who mastered the small hill and now has the next bigger hill to tackle. It's a process and it's a bit frightening. I want to take it slow and be supported but I feel like I am being thrown to the top of the biggest hill and told, "Go ahead, your fine. Just ski!" There is so much I want to do. So much I want to accomplish. I have dreams. Many dreams actually but I'm not going to get there over night because in three months a fairy God Mother waived a magic wand and made my whole life all better and I feel like some people believe that is true! I am VERY proud of all the hard work and the commitment I made to the challenge but it isn't over. Every aspect of my life isn't magically better and honestly...................it pisses me off that everyone thinks it is!
What I wrote about yesterday is also still a big issue running about my mind and I don't know how much it will continue to interfere with my true happiness. Six months ago my happiness was at 0%. I would say right now it is at about 60% and that is really fantastic! I don't know that I believe in 100% but I would like to get close. I am very blessed in so many ways. I have a beautiful home, children that I love to the moon and back, a beautiful grandson, I'm educated and strong, I have great talents and a lot of love to give. I don't want you to think that all I learned in the challenge was for not. What I'm trying to express is that I am a human being with feelings who is on a journey and I am not just magically healed after three months. Shit, if it really worked that way.............well, I don't even have words. I just know what I need and I need to find it. My journey is not over yet! Stay with me? Peace and Love, Diane Marie
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