Big Dreams, Scared stiff, it's all wonderfully normal !

     I had a truly fantastic session today with my therapist/life coach! I walked out feeling like I had the most organized tool box and the most confident self! She has a way of validating what's already in my heart and head and I just feel so good about myself when I leave. I've worked so hard for so long and I just feel like I'm a great "me"! The exciting part is that I know it's going to get even better !!! I have these goals and dreams and plans and I'm starting to write out how I am going to make them happen. I look at my ideas and I get so school girl giddy, sometimes I just can't stop smiling as I sit at my desk. It's such a rush! Better than any other kind of high !!! I love being able to be ME and show people who that is! I'm silly and I don't care much what other's think of me. I love dressing up in all different sorts of outfits and I have so much fun with it! I'm smart and I crave knowledge. Learning is power! I have a huge heart and care very much for people, too much sometimes. I love to laugh and to be silly but I also have a very serious side. I love to read and only wish I had more time to do it! I enjoy gardening so much as well as being what I call "the queen of organization".

     The scared stiff part? My baby girl. My youngest. I got her test results back from her CAT scan and it showed significant nodules at the base of her lung. The radiologist and pediatrician both agreed that further testing needs to happen. What could it be? Is this what is causing the months of stomach pain? She's at the point now where she doesn't even really want to eat much any more. I'm very scared for her. I feel helpless and I can see that she is suffering. Her doctor is supposed to be calling me today to discuss how we are proceeding. I tried to gently explain this to my daughter and prepare her for more testing and doctor's appointments. She is having a hard time processing all that is happening to her; with the diagnosis of POTS/Dysautonomia and now this. Her anxiety is through the roof and she wants to be with me all the time. I don't blame her at all but the timing is poor as school is starting in two days and all this is happening in her life right now. She's only ten and I can't imagine what is going through her little mind. She is seeing a therapist weekly and I hope it's helping! She doesn't share a whole lot with me, although she does really like her.

     So, how am I? Surprisingly well. I'm stronger than I have been in a long time and I have so many things that are going well for me that I believe I can handle this. I think I'm strong enough. I'm scared but that's normal. I cry, but that's okay. I worry......but I'm a mom. I think I'm reacting pretty normal to a very un normal life situation. I'm surrounding myself with loving and supportive people and that is helping a lot! I'm allowing myself to truly be me and that is making a huge difference in my life and in how I view things. My focus is so much better and more positive!!! I'm going to be okay, I just know I am. I don't have to be a victim anymore to get what I need out of life......I just have to be...........ME !!!!!

Those 90 days were the beginning of my life!

 

So as time goes on and so do my therapy/coaching sessions, I realize that those 90 days were the beginning of my life! What she has done for me has been an irreplaceable gift!!! I love going to the gym 6 days a week and getting in to shape and losing weight and looking good and having that time to myself. I love going shopping and buying new clothes to fit my new body and putting great outfits together! I love that I am starting to go out again with friends and get back to living a normal life. I was so broken for so long and now I'm healing and it's wonderful. I'm happy again with who I am. I'm feeling comfortable in my own skin and for me, that is a big deal !!! For so long, I hated who I was and everything about me but now I don't feel that way. I don't think I love myself yet but I really like myself a lot and that's a great start. I just have to keep working on it and it will happen. Patience grasshopper! Something I need quite a bit more of for sure.

Unfortunately, I have received some bad news over the past few days. My younger daughter; with the Mitochondrial disease appears to be developing POTS syndrome and Dysautonomia like her one older sister and we have started testing and new medications. It has already proven to be very difficult. She broke down in the doctors office and again during one of her more extensive tests. This is very difficult for her as she sees what her older sister is going through in terms of quality of life and I think that scares her. Luckily she is already seeing a therapist for chronic illness and I have bumped her up to weekly instead of bi-weekly. She is going to need a lot of support to get through this. I feel so helpless when it comes to both of my girls and so guilty because I feel like by having them I gave it to them. I know for a fact that my younger daughter's Mitochondrial disease is inherited maternally. I haven't done enough research on the other two diseases yet. I will be doing a lot of that in the coming months!!! My poor sweet girls, it just breaks my heart for the both of them. I wish I could take it away for them. I am grateful though that they are here and they are my daughters because they are beautiful inside and out and I am so lucky to be their mother! What a great blessing I have been given !!!

Despite this news, I remain happy because of the work I did during the 90 day challenge and the work that I continue to do each and every day! It's an ongoing process and I have to work every day at where I put my focus and my energy. I have to work at staying in the positive and staying away from the negative. I have to also be careful with who I surround myself with. I can not have negative people or unsupportive people in my life anymore. I have goals and dreams that I plan on making come true and I need nothing but support to get there! I don't want to be held back. I have so much life to live yet and I want to live it to the fullest! I will be successful because I can only fail if I don't try !!! I see my therapist/life coach tomorrow and I can't wait. I always come away feeling stronger and with great things to think about! I have some tough things to talk about tomorrow but I know that with her I can do it and be okay!

 

Should I feel guilty for taking my life back?

     So, on Thursday I made the decision and verbalized that I would no longer watch my grandson. I have been doing it for a bit over two months 40 hours a week while my son is sitting in jail and his girlfriend is working and it has completely disrupted my family's life. I have little time for my own children; to listen to them, talk with them, take them places, etc.... My fiancé comes home from work and after dinner around 7 takes him to his own house to bathe him and put him to bed until his mother gets home so we don't get to spend our evenings together. It has just been too much. We feel like a family divided half the time. We never have time to talk to each other and our whole lives were just revolving around the baby. After making this announcement, I took my two ill daughters and left Friday for the weekend for a relaxing getaway to regroup. My son stayed back to hang with his dad and my other daughter went camping with a group of friends.
     My fiancé who has the patience of a saint has worked with my son's girlfriend in getting her to find inexpensive childcare and help point her in the direction of independence. I feel some what guilty because I love my grandson but I have a life of my own and three minor children I'm still trying to raise. My son is to blame for the mess they are in.......not me!!! Let's be clear about that. My whole summer was essentially a mess, projects never got done, weekend getaways never happened, my gardening went to hell. I never got to visit my adult children where they live. We spent every day babysitting and our one or two days off going to the doctors, grocery shopping, banking, and running other errands as well as housekeeping and laundry.
     I finally feel like I have my life back. I got away for the weekend with the girls. Now I can focus on the beginning of the school year! I can focus on and take care of my ill girls. My 10 year old has been getting sicker and at her most recent appointment, we were told that she needs further testing because she may have another disease that her older sister has..........she burst into tears. It was hard to hear. My older daughter is now walking with a cane, needing a shower chair and has gotten a service dog. These are the things that I need to focus on. I love my grandson and don't mind helping out once in awhile but I can't raise him because of a choice my son made. I need to let go of that guilt and move on.
     They are adults and have to live with the choices they have made and learn from their mistakes. I have a family to raise that includes three minor children and two ill daughters. That has to be my priority. I also owe it to myself and all the hard work that I put into my 90 day challenge and my life coach sessions to keep myself on track and make my mental health and sobriety a priority! I've already started working on my physical health, waking before the kids and hitting the gym 6 times a week for 2-3 hours a morning! I feel great. I've lost 2 sizes and feel like I have so much more energy!! I get a lot more done when I come home from the gym, it's great.
     I'm super excited to now start all those projects that I have had to put off. I love interior decorating and I'm very excited to get started. Once my projects are done, I'm debating between going back to school or looking into some kind of work! I feel ready to fly!!! I feel like a butterfly ready to spread my wings!

Just How Hard is it to Choose Happiness?

     So, this is a question I needed to pose to myself! I was quite frustrated and rather angry for about a week. I felt that all these expectations and standards were being placed on me upon my completion of the 90 day challenge and in addition there were some things going on in my life that left me feeling rather out of control. I had had a few conversations with my 20 year old daughter and after talking about things like her obtaining a cane, a shower chair and a service dog, I was left feeling sad and helpless as well as angry at the universe for my precious child being ill. I think that I was also subconsciously realizing the seriousness and severity of her illness. In addition I was placing pressures on myself in various areas of my own life to be more than I was capable of at the given time and that was only frustrating myself more. I was finding myself aggravated with situations that I had no control over like my son not calling me or all the babysitting I do which leaves little time for my own life. I started to focus on all these things and pretty soon all I saw was red: anger!
     I went and had a session with my therapist/life coach and we talked through it. The session started off with me very angry and wanting to punch someone or something then flowed in to me crying and ended with me feeling calmer and gaining some understanding from my coach as to where I was going wrong. It was my focus! Now, the trick was whether or not I could go home and shift my focus in a different direction. Did I want to feel differently bad enough? Did I have enough strength and new tools to pull it off? In all honesty it took me about a day to really pull focus. I'm feeling great again; quite happy and grateful actually. It's all about my focus and it's all about choice.
     All of the things that led to my frustration and anger are still there. How I am viewing them is what has changed. My daughter is very ill and I can't fix it but she is here and she is mine and she is beautiful and smart and funny and kind and compassionate and how lucky am I to have her? My son chooses not to call me but to sit in prison and not continue a relationship with family.....it's sad but it's his issue. He's alive and in a safe place and I can be grateful for that and hope that one day he finds his way. It's all what I focus on. I have my moments and I allow them but only briefly and then I have to refocus because for me, I know how easily I can get stuck in the negative.
     I am enjoying working out at the gym every morning; having that time for myself, losing weight and getting in shape. I even treated myself to some new clothes! It's something just for me and it gets me through the more difficult times. Writing this blog has also been very good for me. I'm learning a lot about myself doing it! I'm looking for and finding more things that are positives in my life. My younger daughter has been having more and more flair ups of her Mitochondrial Disease so in addition to dealing with her and her doctor's appointments, I am trying to get more involved in promoting research and looking for other ways to get involved!
     It's not always easy to choose happiness but it is possible! FOCUS! There is so much to be grateful for and there is always some one else out there who has a more difficult journey. If I continued to spend my life focusing on all the things that have happened to me or happened in my life as I had done the first forty years; what a long and miserable life I would have to live out. It would probably be pretty lonely as well because who would want to be around me? I'm choosing happiness............and allowing for bumps in the road. ( LOL ) Love and Prayers, Diane Marie

There are those occassional days were being positive is a pain in the ass !

     I was thinking at the gym this morning. (Seems to be a new thing) I have a lot on my mind and one thing I am realizing is that I am trying to fit into everyone else's standards and thoughts and I am pretending that mine don't count. I believe that because other's don't always agree with my thoughts, they must be wrong. Who decided that? I'm allowed to have opinions and my own thoughts, aren't I? They can be different from others, can't they? I don't have to always agree with those around me, do I? I am an individual, aren't I? Isn't or wasn't the whole purpose of the 90 day challenge to become the best "ME" I could be? Well, I don't feel much like "me" right now. I feel like I am trying to conform to what everyone else thinks I should be. It's frustrating! I feel like if I'm not 100% positive all the time or in a great mood all the time then I am failing. I feel like if I'm not always smiling or if I get angry then; again, I am failing. I don't care to feel that way. It's not a good feeling.
     I wake up every morning and count all my blessings which is something that I never was able to do. I then get ready and head to the gym where I clear my mind, take care of my body and take some time for "me." I return home and tackle the many responsibilities of being a mother to six children: two handicapped, one in prison and a grandson who relies on me for stability. No one can know what my day to day is like because they haven't walked in my shoes. The doctors appointments, phone calls, paperwork, emails, emotional support, let alone housework, shopping, etc.. I used to feel very sorry for myself. I do still have those days occasionally but with the help of my life coach and the 90 day challenge, I have learned a lot about focus and redirecting thoughts and behaviors. I don't feel sorry for myself every day anymore, instead those days are fewer and farther between. I'm a strong woman and I am handling all this as well as can be expected considering my girls' diagnoses and my son's being in prison. I think any other mother in my situation would have rough days as well. I get frustrated and angry because I am human, who wouldn't? What I don't like is the way others make me feel when I get like that or should I say: when I express it!
     I feel like a new skier who mastered the small hill and now has the next bigger hill to tackle. It's a process and it's a bit frightening. I want to take it slow and be supported but I feel like I am being thrown to the top of the biggest hill and told, "Go ahead, your fine. Just ski!" There is so much I want to do. So much I want to accomplish. I have dreams. Many dreams actually but I'm not going to get there over night because in three months a fairy God Mother waived a magic wand and made my whole life all better and I feel like some people believe that is true! I am VERY proud of all the hard work and the commitment I made to the challenge but it isn't over. Every aspect of my life isn't magically better and honestly...................it pisses me off that everyone thinks it is!
     What I wrote about yesterday is also still a big issue running about my mind and I don't know how much it will continue to interfere with my true happiness. Six months ago my happiness was at 0%. I would say right now it is at about 60% and that is really fantastic! I don't know that I believe in 100% but I would like to get close. I am very blessed in so many ways. I have a beautiful home, children that I love to the moon and back, a beautiful grandson, I'm educated and strong, I have great talents and a lot of love to give. I don't want you to think that all I learned in the challenge was for not. What I'm trying to express is that I am a human being with feelings who is on a journey and I am not just magically healed after three months. Shit, if it really worked that way.............well, I don't even have words. I just know what I need and I need to find it. My journey is not over yet! Stay with me? Peace and Love, Diane Marie
    

No such thing as Perfection

     I had a session with my therapist/life coach yesterday and a question was posed to me. Well, actually a few questions were. How did I feel about lessening my sessions was one but the bigger one was if I wanted to do another 90 day challenge and what would the specific issue be. I had actually been thinking about that question in the gym that morning. I have a few things that I personally feel I still need to work on but I'm not sure A: that she will agree and B: how to verbalize them. We did start a conversation and I brought two things up. One that in particular was bothering me. The conversation left me feeling a certain way that I can't explain. I was some sort of upset and after thinking about it I think I felt a bit unheard. I had a good cry on the way home but was able to refocus and have a good evening. Later that night the question became something that started consuming my mind again.
     You may wonder why. I have a bad habit of over thinking things that bother me, especially if I feel that I have no one to talk about them with. I have worked really hard the last 3+ months to get to a place where I enjoy life but things are not perfect. There is no such thing. I've had a life time of pain and suffering and three months is not going to erase all of those events, thoughts, habits, behaviors, etc.... Did you ever have something that you were holding onto deep inside and you had no knowledge of how to verbalize it? That's where I sit right now. I've been holding on to it my whole life and I don't believe I will ever be able to be the real "ME" until I can verbalize it and work through it. It's keeping me some what stuck in a place that I am trying to escape. The problem is the amount of fear that is attached to it! Seems insurmountable.
     I woke up today and didn't know what to do with my thoughts or feelings so I hit the gym hard and doubled my work out and then came home and cleaned like a crazy person. I'm watching my grandson for the rest of the evening as well as working on some small projects and caring for my three kids that are home. My mind continues to center around this dilemma. How do I move forward? I feel trapped in my thoughts and emotions. My refocusing is not working today at all. It's big and has finally caught up to me. I'm not sure how to move forward with life.
     I have always known that life was a journey. I knew that it was going to be a journey with many paths. Many twists and turns, hills and mountains, times of flatlands and times where I would walk alone and walk with someone. I have been trying the last three months to enjoy the journey one day at a time and appreciate each day for what it is, be it rough terrain or a smooth path. I seem to have come across some very rough terrain right now and I am having a very hard time navigating. It's feeling a little lonely. I'm trying to look into my new tool box and see what tools will best suit me right now but I am honestly at a loss. I'm really not sure what to do. One day at a time and some prayers I suppose. Love to hear your feedback. Peace and Love, Diane Marie